508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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