then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
sarcasm needs its own font
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
