just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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