Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
