I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
