After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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