checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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