my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
This is the prime rib incident all over again
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
