Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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