you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
