1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I need help removing her.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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