I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
