She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
People with herpes should wear stickers.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
