I feel like abortions should bother me more
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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