i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
