how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
