What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
