I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
