i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
