Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
