He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I am mentally ready for anal.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
