need another drink. this is the easiest way
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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