we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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