Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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