my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
