Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I did not marry a roomba.
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