I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
