I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
