it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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