peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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