two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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