I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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