woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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