Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
