I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
