your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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