how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
