Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
