Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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