i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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