Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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