hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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