I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
