Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
