You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
