Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
