twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Randomize
