fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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