all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
