Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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