Heybabeimwearingurpanties
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
