I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
