I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
