First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
