I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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