my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
